It's been a long time since I've posted something coherent.

Supposed to do my PI now, but heck, I feel like staying up the whole night to finish it, and flop dead in lectures tomorrow. Not like I have the focus and concentration to listen in lectures anyway. Which is horrible, but I don't really like the lecture thing. I can't listen for my life. I get too distracted by anything and everything.

I don't feel like writing PI now, anyway, so I shall blog instead, something with proper sentences and not detached, limp pieces of crap like the previous posts. =X

I feel so rushed and stressed and busy and empty at the same time. VJ Choir's hiong-ness is quite scary. My class' hiong-ness is quite intimidating. What happened to mass last minute copying from geniuses (coughdawnchiacough) or 1 week late homework? I am lagging behind really really badly now, I can't count the number of tutorials I haven't done. I feel like taking a break for 1 week to do all my work or something.

I don't know why I have so little time either, I think I spend all my time on the wrong things, like blogging right now, or surfing facebook aimlessly when I have a huge enormous toppling mountain of clean, fresh, undone tutorials. Sometimes I yearn for weekly common tests like there were in the past so I'd at least be forced to study. But right now, studying feels so redundant even though I'm lagging behind so badly. I just lug myself through every single day, rushing for lectures and classes, eating in class, catching some secret sleep, and singing till my head spins and I want to topple over.

That's how hiong VJ choir is, worse than Stnicks. There can be 5 practices a week, lasting till 8plus, and I don't get home till 9plus. Or if I take bus, ten plus to eleven. I ask myself, how the hell am I supposed to make time? I want to throw my handphone away sometimes because it occupies 90% of my brainpower since I spend 24hours smsing. Nearly. Stupid free SMS service. I should ask my father to cancel it, but it's so alluringly convenient.

Hmm, VJC's really crappy, fun, crazy, the food's okay albeit more expensive that Stnicks food.

People.

are peppered with many different characters, and sadly sometimes, only sometimes, do I note genuine ones, and I'm glad I'm good friends with most of them. I think it's that way in any JC; there are bound to be many, many different people. And the only way to get through school life is to form strong friendships with the true ones, so they'd pull you through despite you being slack and laggy and stressed and never listening in class, or worrying about choir stuff, or getting stressed about stupid, unnecessary, unimportant...

you get my drift.

Boys?

Don't really matter much to me. I click with the friendly, funny, crappy ones, which is a good thing because they perk up my sad, stressed life by being so retarded. Thank you clement tan especially, for being such a girl and being there all the time. HAHAHA.

(THAT'S WHAT BEST FRIENDS ARE Forrrrr~)

People talk about their eye-candy, or their crushes, or people who crush on them; I keep quiet. =x I don't have any eye-candy. I think it's the aura of people who attract me to them, and so far no one has attracted me in that manner in VJ, so I can't say anything. It's quite interesting to hear friends go, "Eh he's quite good looking right? Eh that guy quite cute right!?" and glancing furtively at the aforementioned male to pass some sort of judgement. AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Most of the time, I just go politely, "AH, okay lah, HAHA" and sometimes, "HUH WTH NO!?" and very rarely, "Omg yah he's not bad looking!"

I feel proud walking around in my VJ uniform. I feel mature, no longer in my stupid sewn-on-belt/skirt way past my knees pinafore, older and more responsible. Although I really haven't been managing my time well. I need some sort of time-management course. Or just make my parents confiscate my phone for real.

I think I need more time to assimilate properly into the environment. Sometimes I feel a bit detached, and left out, especially in CCA where there is the proliferation of DSAs, Appeals, Early-newcomers, where everyone knows everyone and you feel like you're watching in from outside glass. Sometimes it's difficult to bridge a connection, although there are many really wonderful and cool and funny people in choir, because everyone's a family already, and you're not.

I hope I can add a yet to the back of that sentence. I want to feel like how I felt in StNicks choir. Where I could swagger happily around the place, singing gay-ly as I switched on the lights for Chopin Room and plop myself on the carpeted tiers and feel strongly that I belonged. Where I felt like the conductor truly, sincerely cared for every single person, and bothered to do her best to form a connection with us. Where I felt like a family with most people.

My self-consciousness drags me down a lot. I don't like to have people judge me unfairly, although that's the way the world is. That's the way JC life would be, and is, because of gossips and bitches - it's like a mass gathering of them in JC, and you have to pick your way through carefully to make sure you won't step on a mine and kill yourself. I wish I could be more thick-skinned sometimes. I need confidence. If only I had enough, I'd speak out more daringly, and spew half the thoughts I don't usually say. I want to learn to be myself with people I don't feel I can click with. As long as I'm myself, I would click, I think. But it's just that, with some people, I can't do that. Why?

I wish I could be with the people, and only with the people, I feel like I belong with. I want to be able to talk a lot with my old best friends, but we've drifted. I think our friendships run deep though. I don't think we'll feel awkward when we meet again but I miss you guys anyway,

Sometimes distance can be such a horrible barrier. You are on the other end of the world. I feel confused and muddled and befuddled and screwed up most of the time. Why can't you be in VJ too? I forget and I remember. I cry and I laugh.

Which emotion is the one which dominates? Why can't I decide?

I worry too much in JC.

Today, I realised I frown when I sing.

I think this is a pretty lengthy and rant-y post, something I haven't done in ages

I have just wasted half an hour or more, typing nearly nonstop

it's good because my brain feels a bit less heavy now

and I feel accomplished, somehow, although my PI draft is still highly drafty

I shall wait, because only time will tell if all this is cut out for me.

Cause you're everywhere to me

when I close my eyes it's you I see

You're everything I know that makes me believe

I'm not alone

when I catch my breath it's you I breathe//