Refresh
I just read through some of my blogposts written 2 years ago or more. And I feel quite disgusted at how immature I was. How distasteful and insensitive of me to pour out whatever negative feelings I had towards others, without clarifying first. I sounded so self-centered and entitled. I really hope I have grown to be a better person, because I never want to be that person again.
If a stranger had been reading my blog, I am sure that person would have been disgusted by my level of self-entitlement. Especially when I complained about other people and my own shortcomings. I sounded like an evil and jealous bitch. And I remember I used to be upset when my friends went out without me. I honestly do not know what was wrong with me then, because I think that has somehow driven some awkwardness between my friends, even lingering till now. I truly regret my behaviour in the past, and now all I know is that I need to be (and hopefully am) a stronger and more independent person. After all, it feels normal and acceptable to me now that my friends go out with each other without asking me. It is perfectly fine to me now.
To my pleasant surprise, I feel like that girl who wrote those immature and stupid blog posts has faded. I feel distant from her, and disgusted by her writing. And I know that somehow, all these tribulations in university have shaped and moulded me into someone more resilient and more thoughtful. Admittedly, I am still very beaten by failures when I feel like I've done badly for an exam, and only snuggling into C's chest helps assuage that disappointment. But I have stopped complaining about others, especially my close friends. I deem them as my truly close friends now. I have learnt to forgive and genuinely forget. I have learnt to accept and recognize who are my real friends, and be thankful for their acceptance of my flaws in the past.
It is no wonder I got into so many tiffs in the past with other people. I am horrified by my thoughts and behaviour. And I am thankful that I've learnt not to behave like that anymore. I've learnt to present myself and communicate in a more mature manner with others. I've learnt what friends would expect from you. And I've learnt to be real towards all my friends, no matter what stupid things we used to quarrel over in the past.
I hope I am a better person now. Because I feel older, more aware of my surroundings, more mature and outward-thinking. Of course I still need to learn to handle failure, and stop being such a P. But I have definitely gotten better, because when I fail at least I don't blame others or my close friends. I blame myself for my shortcomings, and I try to fix them.
I am 21. For years this blog has lived, under my frivolous rants. But now, I don't feel like there's much of a need to pour out my feelings or emotions on a media platform. There's nothing much to rant about anymore, at least for now.
I am glad I can sweep my old personality under the rug. Now, I am someone who can stand up for herself, who knows how to pretend to be okay when people don't remember her for getting into semi-finals of competitions, who knows how to be and feel okay in the end no matter what happens.
If a stranger had been reading my blog, I am sure that person would have been disgusted by my level of self-entitlement. Especially when I complained about other people and my own shortcomings. I sounded like an evil and jealous bitch. And I remember I used to be upset when my friends went out without me. I honestly do not know what was wrong with me then, because I think that has somehow driven some awkwardness between my friends, even lingering till now. I truly regret my behaviour in the past, and now all I know is that I need to be (and hopefully am) a stronger and more independent person. After all, it feels normal and acceptable to me now that my friends go out with each other without asking me. It is perfectly fine to me now.
To my pleasant surprise, I feel like that girl who wrote those immature and stupid blog posts has faded. I feel distant from her, and disgusted by her writing. And I know that somehow, all these tribulations in university have shaped and moulded me into someone more resilient and more thoughtful. Admittedly, I am still very beaten by failures when I feel like I've done badly for an exam, and only snuggling into C's chest helps assuage that disappointment. But I have stopped complaining about others, especially my close friends. I deem them as my truly close friends now. I have learnt to forgive and genuinely forget. I have learnt to accept and recognize who are my real friends, and be thankful for their acceptance of my flaws in the past.
It is no wonder I got into so many tiffs in the past with other people. I am horrified by my thoughts and behaviour. And I am thankful that I've learnt not to behave like that anymore. I've learnt to present myself and communicate in a more mature manner with others. I've learnt what friends would expect from you. And I've learnt to be real towards all my friends, no matter what stupid things we used to quarrel over in the past.
I hope I am a better person now. Because I feel older, more aware of my surroundings, more mature and outward-thinking. Of course I still need to learn to handle failure, and stop being such a P. But I have definitely gotten better, because when I fail at least I don't blame others or my close friends. I blame myself for my shortcomings, and I try to fix them.
I am 21. For years this blog has lived, under my frivolous rants. But now, I don't feel like there's much of a need to pour out my feelings or emotions on a media platform. There's nothing much to rant about anymore, at least for now.
I am glad I can sweep my old personality under the rug. Now, I am someone who can stand up for herself, who knows how to pretend to be okay when people don't remember her for getting into semi-finals of competitions, who knows how to be and feel okay in the end no matter what happens.
posted by Debbie at
2:38 AM
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