Lost

I have never ever felt so drained and lonely in my entire life. I feel so distant. Everything I do here, I think of you. When I see couples taking photos in the sprawling green grass I think of us. When I see parents cuddling their babies I think of how we looked forward to having our own so much and making them fat and squishy and loving them as much as we could. Everything was so perfect and so ideal. I could imagine my future exactly and precisely, with you filling up its every nook and cranny.

I don't know how to extricate myself from this relationship. Everything was so real. So full of potential. I really don't want to have to think about you leaving me. That was something that never crossed my mind. But now that the possibility is suspended right in front of me, everything is fuzzy and unclear and dubious and I don't feel safe or sure anymore.

I want to go home to you, I need you so much. I made a mistake, but that was so long ago. I regret it with all my heart and since then, I really gave you everything I have. And I am too entangled in this to think properly anymore. You have been the person who meant the most to me in the span of my 19 years of life.

What hurts so much is knowing that you still are the person who means the most to me. How am I supposed to leave this behind? I am lost and afraid. I just want to crawl back into your arms... but are they open for me anymore?