payphone

Somehow this song reflects my feelings towards losing the chance to study at nus law. Although it seems irrelevant hahaha. But when i feel disappointed this song floats into my head. When it is so late at night I always wish someone would come and talk to me and assuage that disgusting ache that has resided in my stomach and heart and the cavity of my body for the past few days but sometimes people say the wrong things or people don't talk to me and I just leave it be, the wretched thoughts swirling like a tornado in my brain and keeping me awake. Once it's late i cant sleep anymore because i keep pondering and musing and feeling utterly dejected and wonder why my best wasn't good enough.

Tomorrow's the SMU law tea. I believe God works in ways I will never understand and maybe tomorrow He will show me why he chose this path for me. In the meantime I need to learn to stop comparing, stop being jealous and petty, stop feeling sadness and anger hearing someone getting into NUS Law and really open my heart and broaden it and widen it and learn to be accommodating and accepting. Treasure the opportunity I have been given despite not doing my best for SMU law and make the best out of it.

I am really a very blessed person with supportive friends, a wonderful special person who is always there for me, and the greatest opportunity to study Law in Singapore. I am not disabled or crippled in any way like what I recently saw online, pictures and videos of severely disabled children and people. I am so lucky and tears came to my eyes when i watched a video of a mother speak of her own blind child born without eyes and kissed him truly lovingly on camera. Such things really make me feel horrible about being so greedy and wanting more. I already have been so blessed with perfectly good health and physical appearance, and good grades, and a good law course. Why should I keep lamenting about NUS?

I want to stop being so damn disappointed but it creeps uncontrollably into my brain and makes me feel so terrible. Especially when I'm not around people I feel so wronged and sad that I wasn't up to par for NUS law..

But I'm recovering. I will face tomorrow with eagerness and courage and meet my future batchmates and hopefully a good sight and vibe will welcome me into SMU. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers. I think this will teach me to not expect too much anymore, and trust in the path that has been paved for me.

I'm at a payphone
Trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you;