"What is it like,
up there where they glow?"

Today's phone call was one that truly stirred my heart.

It has been a long time since I've felt this way. Memories flooded into my brain, as if I'd been trapping them behind a forcibly built dam and the new information knocked it down. I feel this sudden, aching sense of loss, guilt and gratefulness, and really, I think I owe you so, so much.

I wish I could be blatant here; one day when I'm older, I'll just spam everything, my feelings, the truth. But in an abstract, vague form, I shall just say,

because of you, I am here today, blissful with my life,
and I feel like beating myself up for never really wondering how you are doing with yours.

I feel immensely selfish. I didn't want to construct lies out of feelings because I knew that would hurt the most in the end, which is why I made that decision which literally transformed my life; but now I wonder, what would have been a better solution that didn't only concern protecting my feelings, and concerned yours too?
why didn't I think enough?

I am throwing stupid useless questions at myself and my stomach is churning guiltily and I feel so lost and idiotic and I wish so badly I could turn back time and do for you something as incredible and generous as what you've done for me..

But there's no turning back.

While lying on my bed just now, sinking into the softness of my pillows with the phone clasped to my ear and all the things I never really thought about and everything I never imagined pouring forth, I felt tears prickling dangerously at the corners of my eyes, and I felt so bad, but so amazingly blessed and touched at the same time.
I am such a lucky person, to have known someone like you.

Thank you so much for everything. I am so glad we're still in touch, and you'll always be a special person in my life.

I hope you'll find your happiness again, really really soon,
because you sacrificed yours for mine.