My brother has finally reached my height. -_- Apparently, to my parents, he's already taller. DAMN.

But I guess that day would have come sooner or later. If he didn't reach my height, he'd be pathetically short.

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Life has been really easygoing and free the past few days. I have been flooded with good food, good people, good photos, good times. I'm treasuring the time now because I'm really sure I won't be able to play as much really, really soon, because there's lots of stuff to do for choir, I'm going to be overseas for half of my Dec Holidays and busy for 3/4 of them...

Moreover, I NEED TO STUDY OR I WILL FAIL MY A LEVELS or not do very well for them since I have already been so slack. -_- But I'm not in a studying mood at all. I have hthts blatantly in Econs lectures and half my notes are blank because I've been so busy talking about stuff with people.

Not that I dislike it OF COURSE I PREFER TALKING but it kinda worries me when I stare at messy, half-empty International Trade notes.

Sometimes I wish life would go on like this forever. Go out to eat, play, spend time with friends, go home, spend time with family, and not need to worry about stupid studies or stupid grades. But sometimes I feel really aimless. Well, I am, because I've no idea what I want to do in life. I don't even bother to write, draw, or read anymore. I used to have such passionate dreams of being a famous writer or joining Pixar Animation Studios and learn to draw as wonderfully as Disney. -_-

Now I have no dream, no passion, no nothing. I've nothing to aim for. Probably explains why my grades are so hideously average and I never ever study, only till I realise I will die if I don't start, which is often at MOST a few days before.

My mama's pressurizing me to do Law but... I don't know anything about Law. And Law does include talking confidently in front of others, right? I don't know if I have that flair for talking in public because I am so easily crushed by people's poor opinions of me. Hopefully my self-confidence improves as I grow older. I think it does, naturally. I definitely have more confidence (currently, at least) than I did when I was a noob little VP of St Nicks choir, when I KNEW certain people were trying desperately to tear me down.

I was so unconfident that I could not be myself at all when speaking to the choir. I turned into a very detached and coldly formal person because I did not want to make any mistakes or let people view me differently or negatively. I think they definitely did because I yelled at choir to shut up and I screamed at them when Miss Lim tore up our scores -_- But that was later on, and it was necessary (I think =x).

I was crushed at the start of this year too. I shrink into nothingness when I know there are people who are waiting for me to make mistakes so they can highlight them and laugh and hate me even more. I really wish I could turn back time and do my best to lead instead of trying to shroud myself in shadows so people wouldn't talk about me more than (I thought) they already were. Actually I think in StNicks before I was elected, I could be myself completely because I knew a lot of people were supporting me. In VJ, from the start, I was stressed out, un-confident, and beaten down by a lot of things. I stupidly let it get to my head.

Even after everything died down, my confidence had been completely eaten away and all I did in VJ choir was try to not attract attention to myself. I did put in some effort to lead, but I could not be myself. Not like in St Nicks... when people truly knew me for who I was, because of the 3 years we get to know each other, and I didn't even need to put in a lot of effort to be elected. I didn't even expect to become VP. I'm really thankful for the experience though and I'm really glad that I was given the opportunity.

And I got it because I was just, myself.

I wish I wasn't so terribly affected this year by all the crap I heard. I wish I didn't have a preconceived fear of people thinking the wrong way etc and behave the way I did.. Totally ruined everything for myself.

But no point wishing for things that will never happen. -_- I am too sensitive and too paranoid and I killed myself and I know it.

Why am I even thinking about this now? =x

ANYWAY... On to the thing about Law. I need more confidence. Higher self-esteem.

Sigh, I need people to believe in me before I start to believe in myself ;_; otherwise I will get ridiculously affected and behave really off-form.

Thankfully I know my trusty good friends really do believe in me. (:

AND my English seems to have detereoriated(OMG I CAN'T EVEN SPELL DETERIORATE - deteriorate - omg so it's deteriorated ... -_-)

DON'T WE NEED GOOD ENGLISH FOR LAW!?

So I really do have no aim in life... ARGH.

Moreover people around me all want to work/are working and IT MAKES ME FEEL EVEN MORE USELESS/WASTE OF SPACE IN SOCIETY/FAT/AIMLESS. I will never get around working at this age because...

1) I'm lazy.

2) Mama and papa will be like O_O "NO WHAT DO YOU NEED TO WORK FOR GO AND STUDY"

3) ... I'm damn lazy and clumsy and I will be a liability to any workplace that dare accept me

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On a really random sidenote I'm eating chocolate-coated coffee beans now. The packet says MICHEL CLUIZEL. I'm eating them in handfuls. 8D Maybe that's why I'm not tired at all hehehehehehee

(Camera was beside me so I just used it. HAHAHAHAHA Behold the yummy coffee beans!!!!!!!!)

I hope they're not too expensive or extremely rare. X_X They're all getting digested by my very happy stomach :3 (SPEAKING OF WHICH, it's kinda stuffed BECAUSE I JUST ATE KFC JUST NOW TOO OH GOSH I NEED TO EXERCISE AND STOP STUFFING MYSELF)

And I will never get around to exercising because I'm too lazy -_- When I run, it's the speed of people walking

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My thoughts are really very random and floaty today. PROBABLY BECAUSE I AM IN A GOOD MOOD. Watched Harry Potter 7 today and it was "Bloody exciting"

I think it's the best HP movie so far. I had no intention of sleeping. It owned the previous movie. By miles. It had EVERYTHING - humour, excitement, suspense, tension, and it was super action-packed and interesting

Can't wait for Part 2!!!

And yeah, I should go sleep, it's 1am

At least school's only at 9.30 tomorrow HALLELUJAHHHHH