2011.

What a foreign number.

And I spend the last few minutes of the first day of 2011,

wondering if I deserve to be what I am,

whether I am ready to handle what means so painfully much to me.


Thinking back, I don't think i successfully struck a balance in 2010,
(look at my lack of interest in studying, and my grades)

I was so much more absorbed in things I deemed so damn bloody important,
and up till this very minute,

00:01 of 2nd January 2011,

I still do.


It's distracting, it both invigorates and wrecks, it pulls me to the tops of the heavens and drags me to the bottom of hell, sometimes it's the former and sometimes it's the latter, and all the time, i just don't know what to expect from my over-sensitive and paranoid heart.

One day I wonder what it'd like to have no feelings or emotions, and I think I would study so much more, and be more focused, because there will be less burden and less anticipation, less false promises and real ones (i doubt there would be any more difference), less of waiting and wanting, and needing.


I wish studies and grades matter more to me in 2011. I really, really hope I can strike a balance, and be as determined as everyone else is around me.

But now I'm falling again, and I am seriously doubting I'll be able to scrape straight As for my A levels if this is what I'm going to go through at least once every week.


I wish I was a better person. I wish I could strike a balance between this and that. I wish feelings wouldn't weigh tenfold to me when they regard...

I wish, I wish, I wish...


But, do wishes ever come true?

I feel stressed and worried,

and I suddenly doubt my capabilities in handling too many things at one go.


Guess I can't multitask

and I can't prioritize.



In 2011, I will try my best to work hard, and stop getting so affected by the most trivial of things, and learn to strike a proper balance, and hopefully manage to maintain my life even with so many things clawing at my brain and thrusting my heart into a nonstop rollercoaster ride.

I hope that this year, I will stick to this resolution, although I highly doubt it.
But I must, or I will end up a roadsweeper by the road, with straggly long hair, eyebags, wrinkles, rags for clothes, an inactive, decaying brain, and a broken heart.