Dependence
I wish I could be more independent, and rely more on myself. I wish I didn't get so affected by people not caring enough about me, or rather, not caring as much as they used to. I am so disgustingly needy that I think I'm going to lose most of the people I love one day.
I don't understand what I'm thinking actually. I drift when I am neglected and it's horrible. I search constantly for people who need me more than I need them and I feel happy when I'm needed. I realized it's probably because when I was younger I had a lot of friendship problems. I was a really detestable act-cute little girl in primary school and some tyrannic 'best friend' of mine whose name started with e bullied me constantly and really emotionally abused me because I think I was already very sensitive. Everything worsened from then on. I skipped school once just because I was so damn affected and alone. I had no other friends because e was damn good at rallying all the little mindless girls against me as they were all afraid of being given the same treatment. I was such a loser and I became very scarred and afraid to trust too much and always expected loneliness.
Now I've found out who I can be. Im less afraid, and more confident to speak out. But I am still so dependent on friendships, on people's care for me, when I don't give very much in the first place.. I start to expect too much because i start taking friendships for granted. Then I get so affected when I feel like I'm being neglected, abandoned, like I was in the past.
I wish I could stop relying on others, relying on you, and not care about what others think of me, whether a friend or someone important thinks less about me, but I get so damn upset that I won't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore, about myself. I'm crumbling. I wish there was someone who could be there for me 24/7 but that's being horribly selfish. The only person who can be there for me is myself. And God but I feel so distant from him after I left st nicks. Really feel like going to church again just to find some solace and reflect and ask for forgiveness and find peace within myself because there's so much turmoil and conflict running within me and screwing up my life.
I don't understand what I'm thinking actually. I drift when I am neglected and it's horrible. I search constantly for people who need me more than I need them and I feel happy when I'm needed. I realized it's probably because when I was younger I had a lot of friendship problems. I was a really detestable act-cute little girl in primary school and some tyrannic 'best friend' of mine whose name started with e bullied me constantly and really emotionally abused me because I think I was already very sensitive. Everything worsened from then on. I skipped school once just because I was so damn affected and alone. I had no other friends because e was damn good at rallying all the little mindless girls against me as they were all afraid of being given the same treatment. I was such a loser and I became very scarred and afraid to trust too much and always expected loneliness.
Now I've found out who I can be. Im less afraid, and more confident to speak out. But I am still so dependent on friendships, on people's care for me, when I don't give very much in the first place.. I start to expect too much because i start taking friendships for granted. Then I get so affected when I feel like I'm being neglected, abandoned, like I was in the past.
I wish I could stop relying on others, relying on you, and not care about what others think of me, whether a friend or someone important thinks less about me, but I get so damn upset that I won't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore, about myself. I'm crumbling. I wish there was someone who could be there for me 24/7 but that's being horribly selfish. The only person who can be there for me is myself. And God but I feel so distant from him after I left st nicks. Really feel like going to church again just to find some solace and reflect and ask for forgiveness and find peace within myself because there's so much turmoil and conflict running within me and screwing up my life.
posted by Debbie at
10:40 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home