I hate grades.

I hate how they can reveal people's true colours and smash the cold hard truth about friends right into my face.

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I honestly believed I was going to fail all my papers. I wasn't lying to anyone or deluding myself. I knew I had at least a very slight chance of passing because I tried my best to think of an answer for most questions and scribbled some stuff down which I definitely perceived as crap during the exam, but I was nearly 90% sure I would score S for Math, S for Bio, S for Chem, and maybe an E for Econs.

I usually can gauge how well I'd fare for a paper. And when I set my expectations so low, I assure myself to not freak out when I really do get those grades. After all, why would I deserve decent grades? I'd been slacking the whole of Term 1, not listening in lectures, blindly copying from slides, happily talking and eating in class, only being consistent for Math and Chem tutorials (because those two are really my killer subjects), copying every single Econs tutorial and some Bio tutorials, and only starting to study properly about 2 weeks before my Common Tests.

And my friends around me? I don't really know how their progress was like, but I think we all started studying at around the same time.

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My progress in detail (please skip if you're uncompetitive (i hope you are) and have no interest in how I studied for CT1s):

If I don't remember wrongly, I practised the hardest for Math. I was really hardworking for Math and did all my CT papers diligently and read through every set of tutorial and lecture notes and downloaded remedial worksheets from my email and tried my best to complete them (although I don't think I managed to, there was too little time.). It sorta paid off. I got 56 when I was praying so hard for a 45. Moreover I had a multitude of careless mistakes which cost me about 10+ marks since I copied 2 questions down wrongly and integrated carelessly and ... Haih. Really a waste. But yes it paid off and I can proudly say that yes, I mugged like mad for Math, I probably focused on it more that my friends, and I probably ended up scoring the same mark as them despite them apparently studying less. But I was okay with it. After all the paper was very difficult and I had exceeded my own expectations.

For Chem I studied pretty hard too. I drilled the reactions for Organic Chem a week before the exam, the first time I started studying so early (excluding Promos and O's). I did my tutorials, tried to do some CT papers the night before the exam, but that kind of last minute cramming usually doesn't come to much use. The paper was terrible, but the teacher assured me that I supposedly passed. That grade's coming tomorrow.

For Econs, I was terribly slack throughout the term. The first time I actually touched my notes out of the lecture hall was the weekend before the Econs paper, which was Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. I focused solely on Econs and did some Math during that weekend. No idea how I'm going to fare, but I hope at least a high S or a low E.

And for Bio? I read the J1 notes sporadically throughout those 2 weeks. The day before, after the grueling and brain-draining Math, I crammed the J2 Syllabus and chapters that weren't tested for last year's promos; Evolution, Photosynthesis, Respiration, Isolating and Cloning Part A and B, Genetics of Viruses and Genetics of Bacteria. I nearly died. I gave up Evolution nearing the end of the night because I was so tired so I merely flipped through the notes. During the exam, I only wrote a messy and crappy intro for my Planning which means twelve marks are gone, I found the structured questions freaking hard, I was rushing during the MCQ paper, and I didn't finish the essay. I was honestly hoping to scrape an E and not fail because it's my favourite subject.

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Before I get back a paper I really and seriously expect myself to do badly in, I tend to confide in my friends very anxiously, "I think I'm going to do really horribly. I didn't finish my Bio essay. I left planning blank. Structured was like shit, I was crapping all the way." Then they'd agree as worriedly too, reinforcing the sense of unity between us. It feels nice to know people share the same sentiments as you about a paper. Like you're not alone. There are people in the same boat as you are.

And then there comes the papers. Stacked neatly and intimidatingly in my bio rep's arms, she distributes them. I start to panic and murmur, "I really hope I pass... omg... I think I'm going to do really badly..." and desperately I try to recall what I wrote in my Bio paper and all I remember are my mistakes and the things I knew I had written wrongly and there were a lot of them and I convince myself I had done badly so I wouldn't be disappointed when I receive the paper.

My friend collects the paper for me. I see her eyes swivel shiftily to rest upon the marks written on my paper as she hands the set, the structured questions and the essay, to me.

I take the paper from her and stare at the meager 31 on the cover page of the structured paper. Immediately I feel my heart plunge and the words "HOW MUCH IS THIS PAPER UPON?" running through my mind. Then I glance at my essay. My eyes widen in shock. I splutter, "Oh my god. Oh my god... HUH!??!?!?!?! I got 16 for essay!??!?! What the hell..." and collapse silently back into my seat. My friends beside me were flipping frantically through their papers, wordless.

I flip open my essay in incredulity. There goes my final sentence, "Molecular homologies can be determined using", proof that I had not finished my question at all. But somehow I managed to scrape 5 marks out of 8 for the incomplete question, 5 out of 6 for part b and full marks for part a, amounting to 16. When I did the paper, I was very unsure about how to answer the essay and merely spewed out as much as I could remember from what I had read the previous night for the first 2 parts. I was really, honestly and truly surprised I'd scored in the section.

My classmate nearby then said, "I think the structured paper is upon 70 (excluding essay)!!!" I twist around and stare at my mark again. 31. Isn't that FAIL, then? "Huh I think I failed leh!!!" I replied, feeling damn shitty that my essay had done so well and I compromised my marks cuz of a screwed up structured paper.

Upon hearing me say that, my friend suddenly leaned towards me. She snapped sharply, "DEBBIE CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP?"

And shut up I did.

---

I know their marks. Somehow.

The one who snapped at me didn't really do much worse than me, just by a couple of marks. So I was extremely hurt that she was so easily angered and overly sensitive and talked to me in that manner.

I tried talking to the other friend, but she seemed rather cold (i'm not sure if it was on purpose but it definitely affected me) so I really kept my mouth shut afterward.

First, I started blaming myself and feeling horrible. I felt like I deserved to be snapped at. After all, I told them I only studied most of Bio the day before which was true, and somehow I managed to do marginally better. I wondered what I had done wrong. Why had I done better? I knew I probably studied as much as them. No idea if it were less, if a day before is not too little studying already.

So how come I did better??? I wished I hadn't done better. If I had done worse, they'd be happy with me. Why hadn't I done badly? I wished I could be the one feeling terrible instead of them so that they wouldn't have gotten angry at me. The marks were a surprise for me. I didn't mean to make them feel lousy or stupid. When I told them that I found the Bio paper difficult, and that I might fail, I meant it. I was confiding in them. I wished I could have done like shit, exchange my marks with theirs. I wished when I said I would do badly, I would really do badly. That's how much I valued their friendship and didn't want them to get angry with me over something so freaking stupid. GRADES. Or rather, how deeply I can get affected by little tiffs I have with people. Or friends whom I treasure.

Then, as the lecture dragged on and both of them treated me like I was invisible, (or maybe I was the one setting up an invisible barrier between myself and them because I was feeling so terrible), I started feeling defensive, and hurt, and sorry for myself. If they were honestly my true friends, why would they be angry if I did better than I expected? I had agreed with them many times that I'd do badly for that paper, I think I'm gonna fail that paper. So if they were my true friends, they would believe my words and know that I meant what I said, right? That I was honestly worried about that particular paper and I wasn't saying it just for the sake of acting smarter than them when I got the paper back. How the hell would I be able to judge my own marks in the first place anyway? Overall I think I'm getting a D for Bio. But at least when I said I'd do badly, I didn't end up getting an A. If I got an A even while saying those words then I'm really an insensitive bitch who should go and die. But no, I got D. That's not even very good anyway.

Then, I realised, next time, after papers, before getting grades back, I should just SHUT UP FOR GOOD about my worrying. I should stop telling everyone that I'm worried about failing or whatever. Because even though I TRULY am worried, I should only confide in people who I know will always be there for me no matter how badly or how well I fare. People who wouldn't snap at me to shut up and wouldn't be hurt or pissed with me for saying that I would do badly and I end up doing slightly better than them. I'm not saying that I'd fail for the sake of saying it or to act like a genius when I actually pass. It's a way of preparing myself for the worst, and to also lower people's expectations of me so that when I really do badly, they wouldn't think I'm an idiot. Which doesn't matter anymore actually. I'd rather everyone think I'm a stupid dumbass who studies freaking a lot and still scrapes average grades.

But I mean what I say. I've never lied about my studying. I've never lied about how much I think I'd get for a paper.

Then I felt sorry for myself. For having friends who I really don't know how to regard or label them anymore. For not knowing who else to really trust in class anymore. For not knowing how to identify which are the people whom I can happily agree that "I think I'm gonna fail TOO" without worrying about the consequences of making them angry or pissed or sorry about themselves.

I know you guys will never read this, but if by some incredible chance you do,

I'm sorry if I made you pissed or feel lousy about yourself. I care about you probably more than you care about me. Maybe you don't think I care because I said that I'd fail or do badly when I ended up doing okay and that's insensitive. But that's because I was worried, and I really felt that way, I wanted to confide in you, and I had no idea it would affect the way you felt. I honestly regarded you guys as one of the true friends I could find in VJ but I guess when it comes to grades, I can't confide in you. Grades drive wedges between friends who are not mutually true to each other...

I can say this confidently though; I am honestly happy for you guys when you all do well. And I guess that's the most I can do on my part.

Lesson learnt. Next time, I won't talk about my feelings after papers. I can only talk about studying I guess. But I won't say that I will fail, I am worried. I'll say that to the friends who I know will not judge me or hold it against me for saying such things. Thank the Lord I've been blessed with such friends who were really there for me when I felt so screwed up. I hate myself for being so easily affected by emotions and friendships. It's so stupid. I should be stronger and not give so much of my heart into maintaining friendships because I can't really judge whether those friends are worth fighting so much for or not.

Competitiveness.

I wish people weren't so damn competitive.

Things would be so much easier.

We'd all be happy for each other, empathize with each other, not hold grudges against each other or take it out on each other regardless of whatever shit or whatever awesome results we get. Regardless of what each other says prior to receiving the results.

I am disappointed. Disappointed and hurt. But what else can I do but hide my emotions in class from now on? Suck it all up. Zip my mouth when they talk about getting back a paper. Tomorrow's Chem. I'm going to be dead silent. I'd rather bottle up my feelings and avoid conflicts than saying what I feel and face the consequences.

I'll tell my true feelings to those who will accept and believe me, and truly be there for me, from now on.

(thank you for being there)