Forgetting

I am indeed terrible at keeping friendships. I leave a conversation hanging, a blog stagnant, for years, and by the time I return and try to rekindle the relationship, I'm the one left hanging and waiting and wondering because the other party had long given up, long abandoned any expectations.

I don't know why I am like this. Why is it okay for me to leave others hanging and waiting for a reply, and when they return the 'favor', I'm hurt even though I know I deserve it? They've waited long enough, to the extent that they realize I'm not worth waiting for since my responses in the end never make up for what they've gone through while waiting. I'll never know how much I actually meant to them , because I don't think I mean anything anymore. It's been too long.

And all these people were once people I was so close to. Why do I start to forget them, neglect the months and years of friendship I've built up, and let it crumble? Why do I only feel the sense of nostalgia hit me hard when I check my chat log in my phone and realize I'm the last one to reply now, my SMS left hanging, or stumble across a secret blog and realize I'm the last one who posted for the first time, for more than a month already?

Friends who are still by my side now, putting up with all forms of neglect I have such ability to impose, are truly extremely patient people whom I hope I'll really treasure. I've been forgotten, kicked into the silhouettes of the minds of people who once cared a lot about me and meant a lot to me too. Now there is nothing and I realize I don't even have the drive to salvage anything anymore.

I've forgotten as well. They had faded in my mind before I'd faded in theirs. But the concrete evidence that I'm the one forgotten now feels painfully sour and bitter. I remember occasionally, but I forget to make the effort. Or maybe my laziness is even showing in the effort I make to keep friendships. Which is terrible. I'm going to stop this somehow.

Those who I've neglected and are still by my side, thank you for putting up with me. I'm truly blessed to have such fantastic friends who make me feel so important and loved, even though I don't deserve it. I'm going to try my best and change, stop letting important people fade from my life, because I regret everytime I realize they're gone.