Sometimes I wonder why I'm not so successful in keeping close friends from my secondary school close. I just... forget. I don't make the effort, not that much anyway because I fear I get irritating or pestilent, and somehow they drift away.

the problem is they don't really make the effort either, so it feels aimless to keep initiating conversations, asking if we could meet up, both parties making empty promises and watching them crumble, and it happens almost without me noticing because I am so caught up in my life as well.

But when some people who have occupied a big part of my life in JC decide to walk out, suddenly I keep wondering about other friends who once meant so much to me, wondering if they still remember me, because somehow I wish they would be there for me when I feel quite plaintively lonely.

I used to be so busy till I barely had time for old friends. Now, I just wish I were more important to them as some of them are to each other. I used to be that close to them too, but I don't really want to think about what happened because I just know neither party made much effort, and although there is that dull ache of exclusion, I feel like I kind of deserve it. I mean, I'm so out of everything. I don't know all their gossip anymore. They meet up without needing me there (am I a source of awkwardness? honestly I hope not because I wish I could be included). And I feel like I need to share my life with more people, because right now only a few people define its quality and know its secrets
and not every one of those few people can be there forever either.

And also, deep down, those friends are really important to me. :(

I am pretty sure those friends don't read my plain boring blog which is going to fade into nothingness soon, so I guess it's alright saying these kind of things publicly.

Let's go out some day, let's have dinner together, we need to meet up, I've things to tell you!

Most common phrase I say to these friends :( But I guess they don't take the initiative or effort to make these statements come true anyway.

I am not alone.

But I guess I just feel really alone,
especially now.