(oh baby sometimes I know it's gonna rain)

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In JC, I find it hard to keep certain types of friends close.

I guess both sides have to contribute to maintain the relationship. It was okay when I tried in the past, especially with girls, to ignite an enthusiastic response.

but now when I try, I don't get any response. Or rather, reluctant cold ones.

Sometimes I wonder if I did anything wrong.

I found out once and I did apologise, but nothing good came out of it. But I guess such friends are not worth keeping when they don't acknowledge the fact that you are willing to try again to keep the friendship

Sadly one such friend's in my class. It kind of hurts when I get reminded of how we used to bully and joke with each other and were genuinely close friends. Now, he doesn't even acknowledge my presence (even after I apologised for something I don't think needs an apology :/).

First time someone refuses a friendship even after I'd thrown my face and made so much effort to get it back.

(And no nothing else involved other than pure friendship, honestly)

But I do value friends, very much. It's quite sad, to think that I didn't mean very much to him to have him ignore me over such a tiny thing..

(For more information, read up on Person B (or A? or C?) that I mentioned previously in previous posts..)

Also,

nowadays I feel like my significance is dwindling

I feel like I'm losing the closeness and trust I had with another friend

But I shouldn't let the paranoia scare me; it's only been 2 days ago since I felt that way anyway

I really hope I can maintain close friendships and be a good and supportive friend despite my rather difficult circumstances and limitations.

I'm glad I can draw the line too, with these people I trust...

I do not like being rejected or viewed in a negative light when it's because people have prior, mistaken impressions of me.

Once again, such things only happened when I entered JC and flung myself into this tornado of confusion and mess and gossip and lies.

Especially when the opinions of those people will matter very greatly to me.

I entered JC life on a bad footing because I stupidly and unintentionally got myself involved in something I never imagined I would be dragged so badly into.

At least things have cleared up now, but the damage done to my reputation is irreversible unless people get the chance to know me for who I am and know I wouldn't do such horrible things.

First impressions matter most. I wish I could change people's impressions, and show who I truly am. I've managed to do so with people I'm close to now (some of whom are really damn nice now, thank goodness, (: I'm glad it's easy to become good friends with girls, especially) , but others who I'm not close to... oh well.

I need time to help me.

Make people forget, and accept me, and not be so disgustingly indifferent towards me.

(once again I've never experienced rejection by people who don't even know me -_-)

I don't know if I'm to put up with this, or let this go.

The latter's painfully inviting now.

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On a more understandable, less abstract and vague note,

I've been going out nearly everyday with lovely choir people/PW mates/special fun people like Belindie's retarded bday party xD, just ate Udders ice cream today, really very yummy, :3

Lots of FIFA these days and slackish PW meetings where we fawn over anime and manga and whatnot and hot anime guys

It feels really good to have a group of friends there for you, all the time

and good that friendships can be strengthened these days, since there's barely anything to do (:

Oral Presentation next week, so unprepared for Q&A, not to mention, I haven't even started my I&R GOOOOOD JOBBBB

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Simplicity of life on my surface, ripped of all emotion except craziness/high-ness/happiness

It becomes so easy to lie now that I feel like I believe the untruth I weaved when I'm around people

What I bury below, the turmoil of emotions I go through so often, disappointment, sadness

It's so easy to cover it all up now, with dry, clear eyes, and smiles.

Lying is now my normal, for me.

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(no, I don't wanna go to bed, mad at you)