I feel like I live a double-life. You know like those secret agents.

And I know some of you know exactly why.

It's so stressful to pretend and lie sometimes, to spin up falsehoods on the spot. To look utterly nonchalant and completely convincing to look like you're telling the truth. To escape after that into the safety of friends who know and understand.

I feel bad lying. I want to tell them the truth, sometimes, but I seriously can't. Because of their character and nature. Admittedly I don't feel bad lying to the most horrid of people (ahemactcoughsexychoke) but those who really strike me as genuine and sincere have to deal with that other seemingly innocent side of me. I wonder if I lead them on, too. When they do find out the truth, they would feel so betrayed.

But I can't tell them because of their connections, because they would definitely tell the aforementioned disgusting people. It would blow out of proportion and gossip would spread like wildfire. My reputation would be ruined for those who don't know the truth and don't understand. People would know about me even if they don't personally know who I am. And don't know the true development and story behind it all.

I wish I could stop acting. It gnaws this horrible hole of guilt into my heart. Because it would seem like what it really isn't. It would prove them right, on the surface. Honestly I want to be a true friend to some of these people. But somehow I feel that if I did tell them, they wouldn't be friends with me anymore.

Which sucks like crazy.


Yesterday was a pretty complicated day. Exclusive, and that includes me, because I was with the group of people who were being such. I felt that biting guilt gnaw into me again, and I felt like the bad guy, even though it had nothing much to do with me. I talked to them anyway to dull the guilt, I guess. One of them is seriously a good person who got influenced. Who I can't tell the truth to because of his connections. The others I have not much impression, or I can't even be bothered to mention because they suck too much and I don't want anything to do with them (oops)

Anyway I dislike it that my mum peeks at my posts while I'm typing. I should honestly change my blog url one day but I'm too lazy.

I wish everyone could be good friends with everyone and not divide up into small groups of good friends who share secrets with each other and exclude everyone else. I guess that's inevitable but it really is sucky sometimes. Like my class for example. I don't even talk to some of my classmates everyday. In fact, I don't even think I talk to some of them in a week. We sit in the same room, have the same lectures and tutorials, do the same homework, but it's only those few who surround me whom I talk to so often.

I'd really like our class to be a class. The cliques are way too defined now, although it's fine for me to talk to anyone in class. We don't hang out. Our class outing organized by the CT (who's coincidentally in my clique) only ensures that about 7 people would go (aka my clique).

I'd really like our choir to be a choir. People don't like people (at least that doesn't occur in class). People exclude, or simply just don't talk to, some people. And sometimes I feel that that's really lowdown behaviour. I may feel dislike for someone, but when I see that particular someone walk alone I kinda feel bad even though it's not my fault.

Actually it's partly their fault too for spending so much time with each other and not the bulk of choir. Heck, I don't even spend time with choir. I'm closer to classmates and feel more included with them. But at least I've some good friends in choir who are wonderful and awesome and will involve me whenever I have no choice BUT to spend time with choir. And when I'm included, it feels like it's at the expense of people who were once included but not anymore.

And it's partly our fault, or maybe mine, for making it known about the certain stuff that causes them to be disliked. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.



I really wish we'd all be okay with each other.

I wish I could speak happily and comfortably with anyone I wanted.

I wish I could let everyone know everything but that's so freaking impossible right now. Even next year.


I wonder why I am wasting time posting about the randomness and inevitability of everyday life. I want to immerse myself in Artemis Fowl (Reading the last book now despite the looming Promos)

Speaking of Promos, I still haven't started studying. I feel this niggling irritating reminder that I should seriously go downstairs right now and prepare for math tuition which I never do. And I should stop sleeping. And write what topics I'm to study for promos in my trusty sketch book.

And stop reading Artemis Fowl. =/