I just switched off my phone.

It feels strangely odd, because my phone's on 24/7. Nearly always comfortably cupped in my hand. It buzzes at least once every 5 mins on the average, and whenever it does, the screen always lights up and flashes happily at me. 1 Message. (2) Messages. (4) Messages. The higher the number, the better I feel. Probably because, it makes me feel like people want to talk to me. I am wanted. I matter.

I've just placed my phone aside. No matter, because it won't buzz and remind me that I've any new messages.

I watched the Time Traveller's Wife with HC and Dawnie just now. Incredibly sad, dampened my mood even further. I don't think I could ever live knowing the day and the age that I die, and leaving all my loved ones behind. Especially for the ones who've been left behind, wondering how had it come to this. How Clare could only wait and worry, and speculate wildly about when Henry would die, at such a young age, and she couldn't do anything about it, because she'd been waiting all her life anyway.

Waiting, and when it happens, it'll happen. Waiting and feeling the crushing sense of disappointment strangling somewhere around your throat. Lodging a lump. Feeling like your heart is sinking all the way to the bottom of your stomach, because you're waiting, and you don't know what will happen. You wish and wait and anticipate. Will he come back, or will he not? Are you important enough, or are you not?

And when all the no's fall into place, when they do come true, you won't know what to do. Because they've happened anyway. You're helpless. You can't turn back time and warn him. You can't turn back time, and keep a hold on him. He'll walk away anyway. He'll leave anyway.

What it feels like, to be left behind.

I am powerless. My words fall flat and empty. What are the requirements, if you are what you claim to be, to me? Why am I the one left stranded, wondering if I will ever be important enough to you (again) to do what you once did for me? How much do I want?

Maybe I am being too demanding, too hopeful. But I am alone, and they were not, yet you chose to be with them. (with her, too, and she wasn't alone anyway.)

My importance is waning. I have no authority. I can't put it in words. The only times I try to make my feelings known is when I express it through anger and tears. You think I'm stupid and unreasonable and insensible. But if you claim to be what you are to me, you're doing a very poor and disappointing job to make the mark.

You insist that isn't true. You batter me with angry, exasperated words. You tell me, no. But you don't show me. What I hear is not enough to convince me what I feel is wrong.

I may be purely stubborn. I may be scaring myself. But I don't think I am. It's happening. It happened today. It'll happen tomorrow again, it'll happen every week.

Maybe even every day, if I look at your phone.

Your own separate, individual comfort and happiness at my expense.

It's always at my expense. Even though I say, I'll be stronger, I'll get over it, I give in and agree that I'm being stupid, I can never stop feeling that biting, growing sadness.

But if I stop you, you will be sad, because I will be hindering your path to your own happiness/comfort. Your own. It has nothing to do with me. You have nothing to do with me, but everything I do, has to do with you.

I love reading messages. I love that people are bothered enough to talk to me, crap with me, gay with me, send me lovey retarded messages. I love the tags on my tagboard which show me people are concerned, although it's none of their business at all.

But today, I don't feel like reading messages, even if I get (10) new messages on my phone

because there will be something in there that disappoints me.


I want to learn to separate myself, like how you've done so from me.

I feel so vulnerable. I am easily injured. I topple and crumple to the ground with a few words, and actions from you.


How did I come to this?

I've grown far too dependent. Because I was so much more to you in the past. You won every bit, every fibre of my trust.


I need to stop expecting and anticipating.

Expectations. Running low now.

I don't want to feel disappointment anymore,

that's why I am not going to hear my phone buzz,

unless it is necessary.



I feel broken and lost.


Don't insist it's not true, because your words will fall flat to me now.

I know I don't come first, anymore.