sometimes i feel like i'm floating along this huge channel of water. a huge river, a twisting one, with everyone's lives stuck within, happy lives, with stuff to do and goals in mind

while mine is the only screwed up one.

i feel like i'm floating, just letting life take its own course, im not controlling anything. all the water crashes against me and hurries me along, pushing and shoving and telling me to get moving, just go, just follow what you're supposed to do.

everyone follows what they do but i dont have anything to follow

i let the current sweep me along, smashing into the banks and slamming me into obstructions and trouble and everything wrong

everything's going wrong in the water, and a huge wall of water that knuckles me under, telling me that this is how it's supposed to go, that im supposed to be left alone out here, under here, suffocating and pressing me down

and there's that empty ache that haunts me

i've got nothing to do and there's nothing im supposed to do

just to delve deeper into the chilly dark waters and let the current shove me along, letting me smash into whatever shit i smash into, and now im all entangled in these long straggly tentacles of loss and nothingness

audition is one thing that keeps me going cause it's a game and it makes me happy when i win, and that's the only thing the water's clear and tranquil and unmoving

i can be anyone there cause im just a character in the game

and it's just a game


the rest i can't act, i can't hide
all the rest is dank dark murky blurred blocked gone

my closest friends want to leave school, and there's so much crap that's twisted and wrong and stuck together like

like a bomb that's just waiting to explode and drop on me.

i really, really dont know what to do and it feels like everything's gone wrong

my mind is a blank and there's nothing i can do, nothing to -

njc?

i don't know anything

i'll let the water sweep me along, smash me into the rocks and make me bleed.