Speeches (prepare for the lengthiest post ever)

It was with my heart slamming itself against my ribcage and my fingers all numb that I took the dreaded slip of pink paper from MAJ's hand. For the topic of my speech, you see.

And my topic was;

"Spare the rod and spoil the child."

I don't know if many people know this, but ever since young, I've had terrible stage fright. I used to have such, SUCH bad stage fright till I'd walk back to my seat with tears brimming in my eyes.

Last year when I had to do Japanese speech about "My Favourite Idol" in front of the class, I almost cried when I returned to my seat, and I was shivering. 2 guys sitting in front of me were staring at me with bemused expressions. Imagine my embarrassment.

"I'll fail, omg, I'll fail," I repeated shakily. They asked me to calm down and claimed that I (supposedly) did fine. Then one of them muttered to the other that I was about to cry. I bit my lip and swallowed the tears, and tried to smile retardedly like I always do when I'm high and happy. You know, formal, individual presentations make me feel useless and disgusting and demoralized. Embarrasses me greatly too, because people would be horrorstruck and appalled at how freaked out I am after delivering the speech.

Speeches, individual presentations in front of the class that are graded, or really formal, scare me like hell. I don't know why. I'm fine with talking casually in front of a large group, or just announcing something. BUT NOOOO WHEN IT'S FORMAL I FEEL LIKE DYING (or maybe because of the presense of a teacher?) ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S GRADED.

Last year, when we had to do prepared speeches, I did mine on "My Greatest Fear". And my greatest fear was; public speaking. Ho, ho.

So, it was with IMMENSE COURAGE that I managed to take the slip of paper from MAJ's hand without fainting on the spot. And my brain was working thrice as slow.

"Spare the rod and spoil the child," I read, the words processing like my feet were slowly trudging through sludge. The f word formed in my lagging brain (and I never say the f word unless it's really a calamity) and I was completely at a loss. BECAUSE AT FIRST SIGHT I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THE TOPIC AT ALL.

YEAH, I'm so English-deprived that I HAVE NEVER COME ACROSS THAT IDIOM.

I was thinking, "WHAT THE HELL IS 'SPARE THE ROD'!?!?!?!?! ZOMG I AM SOOOOOOO SCREWEEED. SOOOOOOO SCREWEEEDDDDDD." With my heart plunging to the pit of my stomach, I stoned outside the classroom door, clutching the pink slip in my hands and staring blankly at it. After wasting about 15 secs of my precious 2 mins to prepare, it finally PROCESSED that "Sparing the rod" meant NOT CANING THE CHILD.

I was really happy with my burst of 'genius'. My heart shot back upwards and in relief, I crumpled to the floor and began scribbling on my paper, thinking that I might do fine after all.

What stupidity I possess.

One, extremely important thing I overlooked was that it was an IDIOM. An idiom gives MEANING. It wasn't a statement, or something that tells you what to do.

BUT THAT WAS WHAT I READ IT AS. I READ IT AS A STATEMENT. LIKE THIS:

"(You should) spare the rod and spoil the child." ---- my interpretation

Looking back, I think I was so nervous and my brain was clogging up with stage fright that my stupidity shone through. So scared till I couldn't even think properly.

Thus, even though my content was sticking to the topic, I repeated that I DISAGREED WITH THIS STATEMENT.

Just because in my mind, the "YOU SHOULD" plastered itself in front of my topic, I disagreed with the statement.

I thought I did fine till the end. When the horrifying 2 minutes were up, I went, "Thank you", which was greeted with silence and shocked expressions.

(I detest the feeling of everyones' eyes fixed on you, like you're some tiny insect waiting to be examined under the microscope. It's one of the greatest reasons of my stage fright. And especially when they stare with negative expressions, which crushes my morale completely. No, no, I'm not blaming my class AT ALL, they are really awesome people. And of course it's not their fault that they were shocked by my entirely-obvious misintepretation; I would have been shocked too. Whoever misinterpreted any topic THAT horribly, I would have not helped it but stare helplessly and queasily at that person, because she'd definitely fail. The complete, uneasy silence was an enormous dampener. My shred of confidence that had kept me blabbering for 2 minute was crushed when I was met with utter silence and confused, awkward stares.)

Almost immediately after, MAJ looked at me with her bulbous eyes, an uneasy 'oh deborah, you did so terribly' expression on her face. She said,

"Why do you say that you disagree? Class, what does 'Spare the rod and spoil the child' mean?" (Everyone in the class was obviously a thousand times smarter than I was, and their brains were functioning a million times faster. They echoed the answer; that it was simply stating that "If you spare the rod, you would spoil your child", not the way I interpreted it; I, the ultimate genius of all stupid people, thought the topic meant, "You should spare the rod and spoil your child.")

"Your stand is completely contradictory with your content," she continued, in a slightly incredulous, confused and a sharp, insensitive tone.

And then she turned to look at me with a "Wow, you just screwed your entire speech, what are you going to do now?"

Everything around me seemed to blur. I already mustered up all my confidence and courage to present a speech in front of the class, and now she drained EVERYTHING out of me with her words. My voice started to quaver as I asked her desperately, "Oh my god. How?"

"Oh dear," her expression declared. But on the outside she said simply with a slight, disappointed shake of her head, "Never mind."

Completely demoralized, I stumbled back to my seat and told Dawn, "Omg, I'm going to fail." Dawn said it was merely my statement was wrong and that I wouldn't fail; BUT MY STATEMENT DEFINES THE ENTIRE CONTENT OF MY SPEECH! If my statement is wrong, wouldn't she fail me terribly for the content!?

Especially the way she told me how contradictory my statement and content was. She made it sound like I'll fail the whole thing really terribly. That was the main thing that made me feel so depressed and disappointed; and moreover, the way she told me about the huge error in my speech made me feel like I was complete retard. Like it was so extremely, entirely obvious that the topic meant THAT, and not my interpretation.

"Shit lah I'm so dead, I'm so screwed," I murmured, and because I really, really put in all my effort for the speech but MAJ put me down so harshly, and MOREOVER the stagefright-aftershock was taking over, I began to cry.

Not tearing like all my previous presentations, but I began to SOB.

Dawn hurried me off to the bathroom, and blurrily I could hear MAJ saying disbelievingly, "Deborah, why are you crying?"

Thank you Dawn and Josie for accompanying me in the toilet while I repeatedly grabbed toilet paper to dry my tears (which kept coming, because I was sobbing very heavily). Stage fright has always been a horrible part of my life. If MAJ hadn't been so harsh and explained in a more sensitive manner, or assure me that MAYBE I could pass with my incorrect statement, the stagefright-aftershock would merely be a slight dampening of my eyes and disappointment.

I mean, I really tried my best, and I end up doing horribly because of my stupid stand. And I have very, very severe stagefright. (which resulted in my 10/20 for storytelling in Sec1, and in Sec2 it was okay 'cause Ms Goh was my wunderful teacher) Other than SPEECHES, I have never forced myself to muster up so much courage in my life.

SO, it was added on tenfold. Thus my sniffing throughout English. It's really demoralizing when you've done your best and all you get is criticism (well she wasn't THAT frank, but you could hear it dripping from her voice) from your teacher. And moreover, the stagefright was a big addition.

I conclude; during speeches, we have to keep our cool, clear our minds, and not clog it up with terror of public speaking and ghosty, critical teachers. Whose ghosty friends came to visit during Geog and freaked huaichyn, garwai, jing and I out. *coughs*

I suppose I'm fine now... Thanks people who were concerned. (: Meant a lot to me; huge encouragement compared to MAJ's parting phrase today, "Deborah, YOU DON'T NEED TO CRY."

BIG LESSON TO ME; read more books and try growing smarter.

P.S: Dawn is a wonderful, smart philosophical friend, thank you so much for your advice. She comforted me throughout English! So nice. Thanks so much dear! (: