So what if I fail my maths.

So what if I don't get good marks for everything.

When will you freaking understand I'm not a wonderful, smart, good-in-every-subject genius like my older sister!? She's in GEP, raffles' girls' school, brilliant and flawless. ME?! ME, I'M IN ST NICHOLAS. OF COURSE, IT'S JUST AN ORDINARY SCHOOL TO YOU. I know you were horrified to see my PSLE marks. I know you were disgusted I didn't do as well as your other wonderful genius daughter.

I don't have her brains okay?! I don't have her talents, I don't have her wonderful photographic memory, I don't have her wonderful leadership qualities that makes her become a PSL and one of the wonderful leaders in her Guides CCA, I am NOT HER.

Why are you comparing her with me? Why do you want me to do well in everything!? Can't you see I can't do well in every single subject?! You want me to do well in History, Geog, Music, Science (Physics, Bio, Chem), Maths, English, HIGHER Chinese, Japanese, Art, D&T. English Literature and I don't know what other crap. You want me to get A1s for every single freaking subject.

I bet you want me to get like 90% for my report book. Then you'd be happy. Then you'd reward me for something. Then you'd stop banning me, stop looking at me disgustedly. Then you'd stop reluctantly signing my report book, stop screwing your face up in revoltion at my 'disgusting' marks, as you so eloquently say.

So.

I flunked my maths. I f-l-u-n-k-e-d my maths. I FAILED my maths.

"You're not allowed to play computer games in the holidays."

"why not?! 19 people failed, 14 people passed. and the paper was really hard."

"So what. 14 people passed. You should be one of the 14."

"but it was really very hard! I just forgot to study one topic!"

"Don't give me that kind of excuses. It means you don't know how to do your maths. You didn't study properly. At least pass. Why are you one of the 19 who failed and not the 14 who passed?"

"I didn't have enough time! The last question was 17 marks and I couldn't finish it!!!"

"It means you don't know how to plan your time. How come those people can pass and you can't?"

"I don't know, I'm not smart like them! It was really very hard! I mean, 19 people failed!!!"

"You need tuition."



"i got B3 overall."

"((doesn't say anything, continues ramming his fingers on his keyboard as he shoots imaginary people on his wonderful shooting game.))"

I suck at Maths. I can't change that. I've always been pretty weak at maths. In Primary school it was okay. In Primary school all my subjects were okay. Until Secondary school when they want the right formulae, everything according to what is taught.

No more shortcuts.

"Is your maths book here?"

"it's under my desk. in school."

"Bring it back for me to see. You don't need it anymore right. Huh."

This is what you always say to me. This time, I mean both of you.

"I got A1 for english lit!"

"You can't just get A1 for one subject. You need to do well in EVERYTHING. Then you can do whatever you want."

Everything everything everything.

I can't excel in everything. I'm not a robot. I can't do well in anything. Numbers and me just don't click. What the hell. I'm not a robot who can memorise everything in a wink. I can't do well for everything, I just can't, can't can't can't can't.

"Bring your maths textbook home on Monday."

"okay."

"Don't just leave it in your bag."

"okay."

I pick up the phone. It's for you. I pass it to you.

"Hello? Hello?! What did you press?!?!?!"

"i didn't press anything!"

"Oh, hello? Ah!"

You talk.

Why must you blame me for shit I didn't do? Why can't you ever understand how I feel when you want me to do well in everything?

You're pushing me over the limit. You're banning me when I do badly in one, freaking, one stupid subject.

It's one subject.

And I still managed to get a B3, didn't I? I still managed to pass, overall, didn't I?

My previous CA4 still got 81 %, didn't I? When I told you that, you had no reaction.

"Yay, mummy, i got 36.5 upon 45 for my maths! A1!"

"Is that supposed to be good?"

"Hello!? I did like way better than you lah. It's not good you know. Hello, I score like way better than you."

I KNOW YOU SCORE WAY BETTER THAN ME. Because you're in GEP. You're the perfect wonderful girl my parents adore.

I get A1 in E lit, you tell me you do way better. I know you're in GEP, I know you're smart, I know you do well in every freaking thing. When I do well in something, you walk over me and say "Oh I scored so much better lorh."

And YOU aren't any better. You want me to be as good as HER. You want me to be genius and smart and perfect.

You walk over to me, peering over my shoulder, wanting to see if I'm blogging about you. I watch you warily, rolling my eyes as you walk away. I minimized the screen, I ain't that stupid.

Please stop wanting me to do well in everything. I'm not a genius. I'm different. I'm different from both of you. You're both wonderful, genius doctors, I know. Way better than me. Excellent in Science and Physics and Maths. You think it's way simple.

For me it isn't.

Please get it. I am different.

D-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t.