Sanctuary

I like the feelings that calm me the moment I switch off my phone.

I don't expect. I don't feel as if a fist had sunken into my stomach every time I open a new message. I don't need to read things that are argumentative, defensive, when messages like that only make me feel worse and plunge my heart deeper in the never-ending abyss I seem to have to stupidly tossed myself into.

I escape. This is my getaway. I am safe here. I can suppress the turmoil of emotions that threaten to engulf me. I can hide from getting hurt.

I don't understand why I'm so vulnerable. I feel like I only have a thin layer of crusty, paper-thin skin coating my emotions. Prodding it won't do harm. But when one small, tiny event akin to a thin, sharp, glinting needle, manages to perforate that skin, it tunnels its way in deep, reaching to the recesses of feelings and memories which I thought I have managed to overcome, but in actual fact, they still exist.

Problems, you say that I always try to find problems.

I think it is ludicrous that I am thought to find a thrill in getting upset.

Is it fun to get upset? Is it a game to get upset? Do you think I have the time of my life when I feel like someone has pummeled me repeatedly in the stomach without giving me a chance to slip away, recoil, or at least recover?

Do you think I still want to think that I will never match up?

All these negative feelings and emotions that have been buried deep within me for a long, long time, managed to emerge with the recent string of events. I feel like things were not told to me, because I wasn't important enough to know them. Obviously they were important events, but I was just overlooked, sidestepped, pushed to the wall, smacked onto the fridge door like an old dusty magnet that no one looks at or bothers about anymore.

An old dusty magnet you never look at or bother about anymore, when you have so many things going on in your life, and I become a wallflower in it. It's not important to tell me some things that I would obviously deem important, but because you were enjoying yourself so much, you did not bother to tell me.

And these events evoked extremely horrible feelings within me.

I'm never going to be good enough, I'm never going to be accepted. I compare and I know it and I don't want to but it really escapes me how I'm supposed to control NOT comparing. How am I supposed to eradicate all these negative feelings when they just continuously haunt me no matter how hard I try? It's been an extremely long time and I can still never get over it. I don't know how to gain that acceptance. I don't know how to improve myself, or garner enough confidence to be as good. I am just... me. I am not pretty enough, not nice enough, not everything enough. Because I don't reach that standard, I am nothing.

I don't want to feel like this everyday, I don't want things to keep hurling themselves on me and making my holiday feel like a living nightmare. I don't want that horrible twisted feeling in my stomach, I don't want tears to well up in my eyes and I don't want to feel sad anymore.

I don't want to expect either. So please, debbie, stop mindlessly and stupidly inching for your phone when you know the other party is probably fuming pissed at you, thinks that you are an unreasonable bitch for feeling upset over something supposedly so small (but so extremely potent in crushing my confidence and heart) and probably gives much less of a damn about you than you do about the other party.

I need to stop this dependence, this utter loser-ishness and vulnerability. I feel so damn weak and like a failure for needing so much, and getting so much less than what I need. I need to grow stronger, grow independent. My emotions are my own. I should have greater autonomy over my own emotions and not let them be governed by something other than my own brain.

Maybe distance and some time apart would do me so much good.

Don't touch that damned phone.