unexpected
This year has been a tumultous one. I got hurt, I learnt, I cried, I was beaten down, and I learnt again. I lost, but whatever I lost, I know it's near impossible to get it back. I laughed, I loved. I've grown to be much more aware of the people around me, I learnt that sometimes people's mindsets clash and there are things that cannot be accepted by some, from grades, to the things you say, to behaviour and thoughts. It wasn't as simple as I thought it would be, like how it was in St Nicks. Things were truly different.
It really scares me how the tables have turned, but maybe it is good after all. Some have grown so far and some have grown closer and though I still suffer from that invisible barrier, it is slowly tearing down and surprisingly I am trusting the most unexpected.
I guess God has sieved the nuggets of gold from the inconsequential for me. He showed me the truth. He showed me what I should truly focus on. He showed me that it is okay to lose, because whenever I lose, I gain to discover a lot more out there. I suddenly realise how much the past means to me, and I honestly can't wait to return. I feel like I'm subconsciously putting up a facade sometimes, even though I tell myself to be myself always, inevitably I switch to that quietened version of myself, and wish I could be a better person. And I wish I would never feel that feinted acceptance but sometimes, I still do. Often, I still do. It bites into me so strongly and obviously that it becomes difficult to return to myself.
The closest has noticed I am slightly different. Quieter, resigned, changed.
But that is okay. It is all over. It is going to be. I am learning. It will soon stop prodding the crusted scar in my heart. I will emerge stronger, more mature, more sensitive. And I will truly treasure the people around me. The treasures who really matter; the wonders God has highlighted to me in the grueling times I faced.
Sadly I have grown increasingly self conscious and that is terrible because I was already very self conscious since I was in primary school. I need to grow stronger, be less affected by what people say, and be confident. Embrace myself. Dare to speak in front of people without worrying about what they think of me.
It really scares me how the tables have turned, but maybe it is good after all. Some have grown so far and some have grown closer and though I still suffer from that invisible barrier, it is slowly tearing down and surprisingly I am trusting the most unexpected.
I guess God has sieved the nuggets of gold from the inconsequential for me. He showed me the truth. He showed me what I should truly focus on. He showed me that it is okay to lose, because whenever I lose, I gain to discover a lot more out there. I suddenly realise how much the past means to me, and I honestly can't wait to return. I feel like I'm subconsciously putting up a facade sometimes, even though I tell myself to be myself always, inevitably I switch to that quietened version of myself, and wish I could be a better person. And I wish I would never feel that feinted acceptance but sometimes, I still do. Often, I still do. It bites into me so strongly and obviously that it becomes difficult to return to myself.
The closest has noticed I am slightly different. Quieter, resigned, changed.
But that is okay. It is all over. It is going to be. I am learning. It will soon stop prodding the crusted scar in my heart. I will emerge stronger, more mature, more sensitive. And I will truly treasure the people around me. The treasures who really matter; the wonders God has highlighted to me in the grueling times I faced.
Sadly I have grown increasingly self conscious and that is terrible because I was already very self conscious since I was in primary school. I need to grow stronger, be less affected by what people say, and be confident. Embrace myself. Dare to speak in front of people without worrying about what they think of me.
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posted by Debbie at
12:22 PM
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