Pondering

Stupidly, I am the sort who gets bogged down by setbacks, scarred by regrets. I want to forget but somehow my mind bogs me down. I consider, i contemplate, i become increasingly paranoid and start becoming very self conscious. Even after everything has settled, there is still that hint of unease and discomfort, like i must watch my behaviour, watch everything I do and make sure it's not out of place.

Even though I probably have a bigger regret in stnicks (something that I managed to overcome with the help of true friends, some of whom I haven't talked to in a long time but I know they'd be there if I wanted to talk to them again..), I seem to have collected a multitude of regrets in jc. Not as large an amplitude as the secondary school one, but many more. Not having enough confidence in ten noms, screwing up music fest and letting my group down, trusting too much and giving too little, being overly sensitive and screwing up my 18th bday for my friends (and I), regretting so badly and really letting a lot of people down and for other situations, being too trusting and believing and watching people walk away

Jc is very different. The type of friends made, the environment, the fact that I must remember that not everyone is going to accept me for who I am. It's not so easy, especially in a mixed school. In st nicks I felt so much more like I truly belonged because I didn't need to be afraid about being myself, showing everyone my gayshit behaviour (and often ppl joined in collectively) and feeling like noone is gonna judge me for who I am. Although people did get angry when I say I didnt study much and ended up doing better but I think that's really inevitable in all walks of life cuz there will always be competitive people, even close friends. It just depends to what extent..

I just wish I hadn't done a lot of things in Jc. I learned a lot, the hard way, and up till now, I still wish I could press rewind and gather all my mistakes and hide them in the back of my mind. Or rather, throw them away forever. I should have stepped into jc with the mindset that the people I meet will not be like those in St nicks where we were all so sheltered, so open towards each other's eccentric characters, loved each other for who we were, embraced each other for our flaws and good points. Not everyone in st nicks was like that. But most were, especially the people I got close to and I am hoping I will never lose them as wonderful trustworthy friends whom I know would never turn their back on me no matter what. But i know that requires more effort on my part..

It's difficult to trust and I hate being so afraid of trusting anymore. I seem to be chained to the quote "once bitten, twice shy." I live in the past. I want to escape and shed all my regrets but at times like these they just keep haunting me. I have so little confidence in myself and regarding who I am. I am having doubts about whether I am truly myself in jc now or whether I have already hidden part of my true self away cuz I don't know if it would be accepted or not. I don't even know what I'm doing.

I only know, though, that I am wary, and uncertain, and I want to trust everyone close to me so badly, but too many a time have I learnt that trusting too much can backfire, and painfully. Sometimes I think about what to sms before I send them out. It doesnt come naturally and then I begin to be depressed about how I seem to be so afraid of what think about my opinions or how I speak. I think about to comment, what to put as my status, in the point of view of others cuz I'm afraid I will be judged and subsequently shunned.

Why can't I just be myself? I love being myself. I wanna be myself, be gay, be retarded, laugh retardedly and asthmatically and not have people think I'm weird or attracting attention. I love my friends but sometimes I am afraid of being who I am. Why??? Why should I be afraid??? I should trust that everyone will accept and understand my actions and embrace me and play along with me isn't it??? That was how it was, in stnicks. Everyone was retarded, and during that horrible period, they were all there for me even though I was so depressed and so disgustingly weepy and wimpy and pathetic and overdependent on everyone.

I think it is like that. As we grow older, people know more, grow more knowledgable, and hence there is the greater capacity to judge. The stupid little girl inside my heart still yearns to be embraced for who I am by everyone I care for. Not asking for people I am not close to. If I'm not close to them I don't give a damn. I just wish I had known earlier and hardened myself and made sure I didn't do the wrong things around people I wanted to stay close to.

I wish I could be a person who people I deem my close friends could trust and rely on like it was in secondary school. It wasn't all the time, then, but it feels like there were more instances. I wish I could feel welcome and accepted and really give my all in friendships and really trust.

Why is it different? Have I changed for the worse? Or are the people I meet just different (not in a bad way, just different..) from those nurtured for 10 long years in a christian/catholic all girls' school where teachers and everyone was all innocent and happy and loving regardless of everything and anything? I should grow up and learn to be myself, but I can't bloody TRUST. I have become so insecure. I want to care but I don't know how to when I'm already afraid of getting hurt.

Hello, please harden yourself and stop thinking and thinking. Look forward and put everything behind. Stop thinking. Just remember not to do the same things again... and be happy with the fact that I am still accepted, in general, and I still have friends who care for me. Stop comparing, it's different. Grow up.
(The thing I did wrong was to trust too deeply, and the only solution is to break down all barriers and trust again, which is a pretty ironic solution..)