On the brink
It is so tiring to feel so fragile. I want to draw back, stop teetering on the edge, and find stable ground. I sway forward, propelled and drawn towards trust and happiness, but tendrils of wariness and hurt wrap around my heart over the littlest things. I am so easily broken. I am always at the tip, tottering back and forth, always wanting to plunge completely into the unfathomable depths of the treasures and traps the cracks surrounding my life hold. I want to give my all. But something keeps nagging at me, tugging me back anxiously, so i am always kept hanging at the edge, never daring to go any further than where i stand now.
It is too painful to advance, to know anymore that may hurt. I don't know how much longer will i remain so afraid to trust, so afraid to know things and accept them for what they are. When I trust, I seem to be sinking deeper and deeper into those cracks, and when it hurts, it is getting more and more difficult to climb out, escape, and save myself.
I wish i were stronger, and not be so vulnerable. I wish i could submerge myself fully in the treasures i have, enjoy them to the fullest and overlook the aching reminder that they are not always going to be mine, and I am not always going to be theirs. I seem to trudge through each day dragging the fear that things may suddenly go wrong, although this fear is heavily crusted over by my longing to immerse myself in the rainbow streaked and cottoncandied life i can choose to live if i want to. I can choose to ignore, and to accept, any creeping stains in the fabric, any cracks on the walls.
But i don't. They become painfully clear sometimes, and when they do, i'm jerked backwards as if someone had attached strings to my limbs and tugs on them at any sign of danger. Don't go too near those treasures, your treasure, because they are not as perfect and as painless as the seem. You love them, you love, but beware. It hurts. It can hurt. Like hell.
I want to detach those strings someday, stop the pain and fear that racks though my brain and heart and physically drains me though i'm immobile. It tears up the layers of trust i've painstakingly done my best to accumulate, at your wishes. I wish i could speak my heart, but now, I am not so sure whether my words or actions would keep things by my side anymore, regardless of promises made. There are limits, and I am beginning to stretch them, far.
I take back what i said, about being able to say anything i wanted without being judged. I know i will not be judged. But i am not so sure i know if i will be tolerated and accepted for much time longer. There are things i have not said, because i am afraid I will begin to lose what I have. And I am so, so afraid to lose.
It is too painful to advance, to know anymore that may hurt. I don't know how much longer will i remain so afraid to trust, so afraid to know things and accept them for what they are. When I trust, I seem to be sinking deeper and deeper into those cracks, and when it hurts, it is getting more and more difficult to climb out, escape, and save myself.
I wish i were stronger, and not be so vulnerable. I wish i could submerge myself fully in the treasures i have, enjoy them to the fullest and overlook the aching reminder that they are not always going to be mine, and I am not always going to be theirs. I seem to trudge through each day dragging the fear that things may suddenly go wrong, although this fear is heavily crusted over by my longing to immerse myself in the rainbow streaked and cottoncandied life i can choose to live if i want to. I can choose to ignore, and to accept, any creeping stains in the fabric, any cracks on the walls.
But i don't. They become painfully clear sometimes, and when they do, i'm jerked backwards as if someone had attached strings to my limbs and tugs on them at any sign of danger. Don't go too near those treasures, your treasure, because they are not as perfect and as painless as the seem. You love them, you love, but beware. It hurts. It can hurt. Like hell.
I want to detach those strings someday, stop the pain and fear that racks though my brain and heart and physically drains me though i'm immobile. It tears up the layers of trust i've painstakingly done my best to accumulate, at your wishes. I wish i could speak my heart, but now, I am not so sure whether my words or actions would keep things by my side anymore, regardless of promises made. There are limits, and I am beginning to stretch them, far.
I take back what i said, about being able to say anything i wanted without being judged. I know i will not be judged. But i am not so sure i know if i will be tolerated and accepted for much time longer. There are things i have not said, because i am afraid I will begin to lose what I have. And I am so, so afraid to lose.
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posted by Debbie at
12:31 AM
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