To mention your name

I did not expect the regret and nostalgia to bubble up within my stomach and burn, like a sudden burst of acid. I did not expect myself to feel detached and lost afterward, memories floating back jaggedly, discontinuously. I did not expect myself to start recalling and regretting after more than a week of officially not being in contact; i thought i was okay, i thought you didn't matter that much.

I did not expect.. a lot.

I think all along, I regarded you as someone really important, someone I could depend on. I have a horrible habit of neglecting friends (but I am trying really hard to fix that) but I didnt expect it would bring about such consequences for you and I.. I guess because it was different.

Nowadays I really wish it wasn't, and it had never, been different, just so up till now, you could still be my friend.. I wish I could still talk to you and disturb you anytime I wanted, and not worry about irritating or annoying you.. because I knew for sure, that you were a true friend.

I often wish that one day I'd receive a text from you, and we'd talk like nothing ever happened. But the days that trickle by will pile up, and accumulate into a barrier which I doubt we can ever overcome. When we talk again.. can we still have that same type of friendship? I have a horrid sinking feeling that it was only possible because things were different. After all of this is over, if you ever are willing to be my friend again, would you treat me the same way as you did? Would you always be there without fail? Would you be someone I know I could say anything and not worry about being judged..?

The word "no" seems to be flashing repeatedly in my head.

I.. wish none of this ever happened. To mention you, now, brought about unexpected feelings of sadness and regret.. I know you will never read this (why would you bring yourself to this page anymore?) so I know it is safe to pour it out here, because this is something that won't feel right even if I tell my closest friends, this is something I need to get out of my head, get off of my chest, to stop it from pressing on my heart; it is a burden I know I've brought upon myself.

I was selfish to not let go such a long time ago. Our friendship was always marked with an ending. It just depended on how long we dragged it before we could bring ourselves to meet the finish line.

I wish I could tell you that I'm sorry for everything, truly, sincerely, I'm sorry for holding on and making things turn out the way they are.. I wish I could speak to you but I don't think that will ever happen, for a long, long time..

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