This is the first time throughout the frenzied O's struggling that I've managed to sit down, slack the whole day, and think properly and quietly about things unrelated to O's.

I feel that inexplicable ache again.

It changed my life forever, in good ways and in bad ways,

but sometimes, I wish my life never succumbed to those bad ways


Then I wonder, would I give up those good times to get rid of all the bad times
that sometimes still haunt me in my dreams

and all the conflicting emotions that I've had to endure

everything that hurt...


I am leaving St Nicks, in a very short time.

It's been my school for 10 years. The environment I'm most familiar with.

I've learnt, I've lost, I've cried, I've fallen, I've taken maybe 150 tests/exams or so throughout these years on the sandy cement floor, streaked with cracks of age and time

Should I feel sad, or feel relieved?


I know that I will miss it.

As I walk down from the Father Barre, I enter the Lower Concourse

I played hopscotch here before
Freeze and Melt
Screaming hysterically as I plastered myself to the huge red pillar, the "Home"
I was bullied emotionally, but I bullied others emotionally too in Primary school
I garnered many memories then, seemingly small and insignificant,

but somehow, they seem like they've been wiped off my mind with a duster; I don't feel them anymore.

I stride along, walking past the green grass, the red bridge, the pool of stones (Did I once catch butterflies there before? Did I crack stones to create "dust" upon those rocks before?)

I walk past the family lounge. Always wondered why it was called the Family Lounge (There used to be those tiny seeds with plastic-like layers attached at its sides floating into the family lounge, and we used to raise our hands to cup them and collect them, and the one who collected the most would win)

I walk into the Secondary Block, the place where I have collected memories I can still feel.

They are unspeakable memories, memories that cannot be etched out in words because
they would simply cause me to laugh at my stupidity

cry at my naivety

wonder why I had taken this road and ended up here

where there are so many different pathways I can take

I wish I could turn back time

be sucked back into Primary School

and I would amend all my wrongs
I would not stupidly hurt others

I would taste the joy of pure bliss
cupping butterflies in my palms,
catching ladybugs in class,
be free from all the worries that came with age

I wish I could have no emotions sometimes
so they wouldn't sway my thoughts
and make my heart feel like it's, sometimes, sinking


Do I be happy about leaving StNicks, or do I be sad?

I want to be truly sad and miss St Nicks like noone's business

but I feel a guilty sense of relief


I feel like I'm letting go


Once I leave this school

maybe I will forget the bad things that have happened
maybe I will forget the conflict in my heart as I stepped into classes, from Sec1 to Sec4
I've never really felt a complete sense of ease
in any of them
and I wish I had.


maybe I will forget choir
which has given me so much laughter
so much triumph
so much love
but so much heaviness
and strangers


maybe when I leave stnicks

I won't feel this strange burden on my heart anymore



Maybe I will remember the good things,
treasure the good things,

embrace them, and thank the bad times

for giving them to me.